Ik Muo, PhD
This is my fourth attempt at running for the highest political office in the land (previously 1992, 2006, 2019). Some people have said that the ‘Office of the Citizen’, which I presently occupy, is the highest office in the land but we all know that this is very far from the truth, even in the US, especially since the advent of Trumpocracy. In any case, there are about 200m occupants of that particular office. I am propelled to run again because PMB succeeded on his third attempt and so the probability of my success in the 4th attempt is very high. Furthermore, everyone is now a presidential candidate and, in some parties, there are more candidates than party members. Even APC has, on paper, about 25 candidates and still counting, though most of them are what our people call ejilim guzulu ( just to make up the numbers). I say ‘about’ because some candidates have rejected the forms ‘bought for them’ by unknown or shadowy organisations while others are in court for the right to eat their cake and still have it! So, why should I be left out? And while the political space was choking before, it is now so liberalized and there are many options for me including defection, forming a new party, buying up all the votes, and planting moles in other parties. The Hope/Imo option is also in the cards because I can be declared a winner even without contesting. Ballot-box snatching is becoming riskier and outdated. However, defection is out of it because I am not an attractive ‘defectee’ since I do not have significant rigging and financial capabilities. I cannot buy up the votes because the money-bags and godfathers do not trust me. And even though I am rich, I currently have some liquidity challenges and in any-case, I don’t want throw money around to the extent EFCC et al will place me on their watch list.
Anyway, my people-my people, Enough Is Enough! Our dear Nation, Nigeria is at the star-road (which is worse than a cross-road) and it is time for patriots to stand up and be counted, to save Nigeria (since the Save Nigeria Group has become blind, deaf, dumb). I will start by introducing my humble self and to tell you why I am the most qualified to be your servant-leader come 2023. In this instance, I will be second to Peter Obi, the only candidate who has been telling us what he can do and how he will do them. Others are just sharing money and saying ‘vote for me!’ My intention is to innovatively combine the two models: telling you what I can do and how I will do them, plus sharing the money and that is where and how I will give PGO( Peter Gregory Obi) a technical knockout!
My name is Ichie Ezechikwado Ik Muo and for those outside the DOT axis, Ezechikwado means a king who believes that anything God supports is as good as done. So, this is a divine agenda and unlike sometimes ago when three pastors claimed that God promised them the presidency, I am the only one on the divine-pedestal … at least for now. I had my primary education at St Anthony’s Catholic School, Osumenyi and my secondary education at St Joseph’s Secondary School Awka-Etiti, established when schools were schools, with staff quarters, clinics, football fields et al. I had my HSC at Federal Government College, Enugu, one of the best in its class and my degrees are from Nigeria’s finest institutions: University of Ibadan, Ahmadu Bello University and University of Lagos. I ‘corpered’ in Bauchi and have worked in Enugu, Plateau, Kano, Kaduna, Lagos and Ogun states. My ‘Nigerianness’ is thus unapparelled; a DOT-man who has schooled and worked in North, South, East and West and have consciously visited all the states of the country-by road. As a thoroughbred Nigerian (who savours ‘akpu na ofe-onugbu’, ‘amala ati ewedu’, tuwo-shinkafa, white-soup with periwinkles, all washed down with Sapele-water), I know Nigeria, all her peoples and all her problems! No member of the present conclave of presidential aspirants can compete with me in this score.
I was Commissioner for Vocabularies at Awka Etiti, and Commissioner for Information and Propaganda at Great Zik Hall, UI. I can thus match the APC propaganda machine FFF( Fire for Fire). I have been a banker by practice and I am still a banker by profession( a Fellow of the Institute of Bankers) and thus I have interacted with, understood and still understand the challenges of the business community. I have been a consultant and thus I will not fritter away our scarce forex to foreign consultants (like the N1.7bn for Abuja runway consultancy (2020), which pales into nothingness when compared with the $329m( N197,400,000,000) just approved for railway consultancy); I am in the academia and a hardcore ASUUist, my father was a village-headmaster, six my siblings are teachers and or proprietors and all the members of my immediate family schooled in Nigeria( primary to tertiary). I am thus best placed to solve convoluting ASUU crisis and all the complicated crises in the educational sector. I have critiqued (not criticized) all government actions, inactions and policies since 1978 (from my second year in the university) and I know all the challenges facing our government and where all the dead bodies are buried. I am a traditional title holder and thus I can easily manage the traditional class, who are underground players in this ‘penklemess’ that we have found ourselves in. I have undertaken all my medical treatments in Nigeria and in the process, I have known many doctors and experienced healthcare delivery in diverse health environments. Check-out my recent experience at OOUTH(Ik Muo: Released from Modified House Arrest: My Experiences & Lessons, BusinessDay12/7/21). Thus, I know where it hurts in terms of healthcare delivery and consumption. Furthermore, I cover about 4kms everyday, more than Amaechi did ( just once, on the day he declared) and much more than you-know-who can even dream of. So, I am physically fit. What else do the Nigerian discerning voters want?
The Minister of Labour is RUNNING despite the 60%+ unemployment, underemployment and
mis-employment rates; The Minister of Education is RUNNING despite the ASUU SSANU and NASU strikes, and consequential aluta by students; The operative Minister of Petroleum can RUN despite the petroleum scarcity (between 200-300/litre at Aba and Abuja); Emefiele can RUN despite the ethical, institutional, constitutional and legal impediments and resultant erosion of his social capital, and even go to court in the process; Adesina of AfDB can RUN despite having one of the best jobs a Nigerian can have and being in a position to impact on the whole Africa; Lawan is RUNNING despite being the chief nurse of our retirement and old-peoples home peopled mostly by EFCC alumni; PYO can RUN despite our comatose economy, for which he is solely responsible and after sharing tradermoni in a cashless economy; Jonathan can RUN, despite being pummeled and demonized by APC, which has raised our socioeconomic fundamentals from top to bottom, in the past 7years. So, why are they all ON THE RUN? What is pursuing them and where are they RUNNING to? I was thinking aloud on these questions and spirit, through one of my sons, referred me to Proverbs 28:1. I will NOT run; I have nowhere to RUN to. However, I will CONTEST and via-à-vis all these characters, I am eminently more qualified .
I know that most of you will be wondering how an underpaid academic, whose salary has not been reviewed since 2009 (despite the rampaging inflationary spiral) can raise the millions required for this project. Well, I have N$ millions, which I have saved in my 40+ years working life. I even own some shares in Twitter, World Bank IMF, and Bank of China ( If EFCC and ICPC disturbs my peace, I will give them the Obi Treatment by submitting my tax clearance certificates since I was born) . I have also become an emergency YIB (Yam in Bag) farmer since this strike started and I foresee a bumper harvest. Thus, buying the forms will not dent my resources because it is a matter of cash and the amounts in question are just a petty cash. However, I will get the forms without tampering with my war-chest. A new model has emerged; buying of forms and declaration of intent by proxy and I intend to optimize it. In my 64 years on earth, I have built inestimable goodwill across the land and this will come in handy as the various beneficiaries of my generosity, academic and material empowerment programmes and camaraderie will soon go to work. I am not a registered member of any party but that is alright because the forms will be bought by proxy and these days, the parties are only interested in the millions. Even if Abubakar Chekau were still alive and wants to buy the APC form, they will sell to him; he only needs to deposit the money in a bank and forward the evidence to the organizing secretary. I am in a hurry because I have a feeling that the form will soon be out of stock. Just the other day, I learnt that Mayweather was in Nigeria to buy the APC presidential forms. By the time the INEC Chairman, Aisha Buhari, Inspector General of Police, Chief of Army Staff and Mohammed Bazoum( President of Niger Republic) indicate interest, there will either be no more forms or the prices would have been so high (in the secondary market) that some people would have been priced out. I don’t want to take chances.
So, I plan to buy multiple forms from several parties and these are the groups that will sponsor these forms for me: ASUU( this does not need any interpretation); Association of Anambra State Development Unions, Lagos; all the aluminum ( alumni + alumna + alumnus+ alumni= aluminum) associations to which I belong, Igbo-Ukwu Development Union, all my former and present students( especially my supervisees) and all the platforms where I am the founder and GO. If Myetti Allah and some Unknown Farmers can buy forms for others, some Unknown Young Men ( and even UGM)can also buy for me. All these groups are ready and are just waiting for a go-ahead from me. Buying many forms is an optimal investment and operational model because if the come comes to become, I will deny the forms and their sponsors. Of these 6 forms, I will step down for a candidate each in 5 of the parties for an under-the-table deal ranging from N500m to NIbn and use the money so raised to do the petty aspects of the campaign. I can also buy fairly used APC presidential forms at a discount at the last minute, from people like Orji Kalu who just chickened out. Another strategy is to hoard the forms and float them at the Preforex ( Presidential Form Exchange) when the deadline elapses and the forms become very scarce.
Lest I forget, I am still a bonafide employee of Olabisi Onabanjo University. But none of the contenders and pretenders has resigned and I hope nobody is expecting me to resign because my case will not be different. However if need be, I will apply for sabbatical and I am sure that my kindhearted HOD, Dean and VC will oblige me. If that fails I will approach the customary court @ Igbo-Ukwu , headed by my in-law and a fellow titled man to enforce my fundamental right to run. But if a push comes to a shove, I will deny all the groups and all their forms and declare, it wasn’t me. I cannot throw away the known for the unknown; it is better to retain my lectureship than to go into the risky volatile and highly inflammable Nigerian political market.
Otto Von Bismarck said that People never lie so much as during a war or before an election. This means that the lie-quotient of politicians are highest just before elections or before a war. In Nigeria, elections are more brutal than war! The question all over town is now that Emefiele is a certified APCian, where would INEC be storing its sensitive materials? Emefiele literary means: do not offend; do no wrong. Now, he has consciously ‘mefied’ and messed up himself due to a plate of porridge. Sad
My uncle and the last of the Muoemenem trio, Mazi Cyril Nwonye Muo, aka Odudu-ndi-eze; aka 404 has just decamped to the great beyond. He died at the age of 102, an indication that he was favoured by God. He will be buried at his compound, Ihuowelle Igbo-Ukwu on Friday, 13/5/22. We are sad but thankful at the same time because this is better than the last one, when we lost Mrs Nwamaka Muo at just 56. May his harmless soul rest in peace.
Ik Muo, PhD. Department of Business Administration, OOU, Ago-Iwoye. 08033026624